I am not sure how you could read this article and think that I have indulged in self-absolution, or assume that I have not done a lot of introspection, and continue to do the work to understand my part in the break. I have put more energy into this than anything I have ever undertaken. But unless she is willing to hear me accept responsibility, the work will bring no resolution to our relationship.
As to me being the more powerful of the two in the relationship, I am sorry to say that the one who refuses any contact at all is always the more powerful. I cannot reach out to apologize and start the ball rolling toward reconciliation if she refuses any contact whatsoever. Even though I see the ways I have failed her and hurt her, it does no good because she is not open to hearing it.
And just because I have learned to forgive myself does not mean I do not take responsibility for my part in the estrangement. Forgiving myself is about accepting that I have failed and choosing to extend grace to myself, not about denying that I did anything wrong,
In actuality, I have worked hard toward reconciliation. I have learned to own my part and I’m willing to apologize and humble myself to hear her side. But I cannot do it alone. The rest is up to her.
You are not a jerk, Elijah, and I am so sorry for your estrangement from your father. I wish for you peace and personal healing.