My heart breaks for you. I have been estranged from my youngest daughter for 13 years. She is now 32. I have accepted that I will never see her again. It’s been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through but I can say that you can survive. I have a wonderful life filled with friends and family, interests and hobbies and my life is good. The pain has subsided and only rarely rares up to bite me.
I’m so sorry. I know your pain. Be gentle with yourself as you learn to navigate what is becoming increasingly common. Try not to over analyze it - it will just make you crazy. You did the best you knew how to do. That’s all anyone can do.
Sending a hug. ❤️