You are spot-on when you caution about reacting to our new spouse from our learned responses to our ex-spouse. I found myself doing that a lot at the beginning and it took time to realize what I was doing and stop and consider that he is not the same person, therefore I didn't need to respond that way anymore. It is a process, but once I figured it out, I was able to drop those behaviors that kept me stuck in a past relationship that no longer existed.